draft draft draft

Alone in her office a few weeks ago, I said to Storm-Ji that it was somewhat unhinging: coming to India prepared for a wonderful, and "life-changing" experience, and then being made aware of my own issues... at least some of them. That may not be Irony, but it is backwards.

I always think that I understand myself, and my life. What is more, I always feel that I've reached a nice point on that road-of-personal-growth, where I can finally stop or at least slow down. Storm-Ji, (as usual?), was not surprised to hear what I was saying, and nodded knowingly [even if this is sleight-of-hand on her part, it's damn effective]. What I'm saying is true, though. You're 22 and you think you've gone thru a number of challenging things, and then you continue to be challenged. And it's challenging.

I think study abroad programs like this one are a bit of a pressure cooker. Storm-ji said during orientation that by the end of the program we'd all know each other better than anyone else. In a way I think she is right. It's like a constant, collective microscope that we're all under: I have been seen in every activity, every time of day, every mood. And coming back to the point, there is nothing like being called-out on something that really touches a nerve.

What happened was this: today, Kylie, Katherine, Connie and I went out for coffee after our Matubani painting class. A little while in, we got to talking about Storm-Ji, and her alleged tendency to pick favorites. At which point, Kylie made a comment that she's made before. To me, she says, "it bothers me so much that you turn in every assignment late." She said this in that ambiguous smiling way, where a serious criticism is poorly disguised as wit. I became defensive, explaining that I had only turned in some assignments late; that I had spend a total of 7 days in the hospital; that I had totally changed my ISP topic; and that I had never asked for, or expected an extension. Afterwards, once Katherine and Connie had found rickshaws home, Kylie and I had it out privately... a real quality fight! [It seems we each had our own reasons for being mad at the other, and, to be honest, almost all of it was my fault.]

And to be honest again, that last part--about not expecting an extension--isn't totally true. Storm-Ji clearly likes me a lot; it seems like everything I say in class is met with her approval; when I worriedly told her that I thought I needed to turn in my revised second draft proposal late, she told me not to sweat it. Ultimately, I turned it in even later than I said I would, and when I got it back yesterday, she had given me an 'A' with no points taken off. I clearly receive preferential treatment, and clearly part of me thinks I deserve it, which is totally embarrassing.

It's upsetting to be called out on something that you don't like about yourself. Worse, to be suddenly aware that other people can see it--people you like and trust. I can't handle criticism like that. Not in a group setting, not in a back-handed way. And I think Kylie was wrong to do it. But she was also right. I have turned in almost everything late; I've taken my unspoken extensions further than I rightfully should have; and there have been no consequences. There probably won't be.

On the one hand, I think I've been working really hard and doing high quality work. But I should also learn to do things on time, to finish my projects on time. I should hold myself to that standard, even if Storm-Ji doesn't. And getting away with things should not be good enough.